I have had many roommates in my life... and I can't say it ever went well. I need LOTS of space, quiet, and solo time in my life) was the best choice. I'm stubborn, can be a neat freak, and am nearly fanatically devoted to my furbabies.
Well, now two people (one being me) who have both had some pretty bad experiences living with other people want to try it again - together. We know we're set in our solo ways at this point too.
So here's where the advice comes in. Through what we've learned we decided to sit down and have a series of conversations, to make all the decisions together that should be and to respect our differences, to practice compromise (let the little things go, make a point of things you know are a big deal for you), and to sign a cohabitation agreement. And to hope that this time will be different.
Conversation 1: Outlined the joint pet policy
- He has two dogs
- I have two cats, which he is allergic to a bit
- We have different views on training and discipline, but we were able to come up with one overarching principle: People are more important than pets. My pets will be disciplined my way. If my way doesn't work in 2 months, we can revisit the issue. And vice versa.
- I will do everything I can to keep him from reacting to the cats, they will not be allowed in the bedroom at all, will be dry-washed with allerpet-c once a week, we purchased special filters for the apartment, etc.
Conversation 2: I will not live in an un-designed space again. He doesn't care so much about that. He's not getting rid of any of his stuff.
- I won't ask him to agree with what I want to do necessarily, but I won't just design without passing it by him either. We will not co-purchase items, he is welcome to buy them (if that is necessary, I'm working on repurposing/greener methods) if he wants to be able to take it with him, but he also cannot complain about where/how I choose to do my spending.
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This was a nice, non-huge-scary conversation that allowed us to segue into one about separate money and respecting one another's different spending decisions. Money is the #1 thing live-in couples constantly fight about according to some articles.From there we've had multiple convos about furniture, double items, design aesthetic, cooking, cleaning, organizing, storage, bills, money (all separate), TV's, desks, growing plants, etc. They weren't necessarily sit down and let's talk it out style at all, we just talked when we had the time, or something came up, or something reminded us of our eventual move in. These don't have to be a big deal except for when you're laying out the joint ground rules or dealing with hot button issues (money, cleaning, anything else that you know is a big deal for you). These were all very practical considerations - so is the following.
Conversation 5: Cohabitation AgreementWithin the year (August/September) he may have to move on to his next stage in life - an academic position at a university. He also may not have to - the future is one big unknown a lot of times when you're a grad student. For that reason we don't want to combine furnishing per se and get rid of duplicate items. We have discussed the duplicates, ways to deal with them, and basically who will pack up what of theirs (not to be unpacked unless the other moves out).
- First we signed a joint lease.
- Then we also looked up a lawyer drafted cohabitation agreement, made changes for our situation and desires, and signed that as well.
- I would highly recommend this step to anyone moving in with someone. It is sort of like a prenuptial for cohabitation. If more people did this Judge Judy and her kind might not have anyone to go on their shows! :D
Beyond these I think there are some other things that really should be handled/talked about on the menu before you move in. So as some advice from the advised, here they are.
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WHY do you want to move in?? Our lack of having this conversation is part of why we waited so long to do it. We've known we wanted to a long time.... but one of us thought the other wanted to because of a desire to practice playing house (find out if there will be a repeat of past relationship-based move in experiences) and get a financial break out of it. That wasn't enough of a reason. Until an independent desire to just BE with the other person in that way was expressed - no forward motion. When we finally had that conversation - wham, things moved fast. We were willing to do whatever it took, from getting subleases arranged, working together to find a new place (the right place), etc. We could have had that conversation sooner too, and maybe should have.
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Is your definition of the relationship parameters the same? If you're monogamous - is your definition of monogamy the same? Example: Do you consider flirting cheating, etc. Hopefully you'll have had this convo already, but if you haven't, then be sure you do. Another side to this is that some people automatically assume that moving in is either a pre-engagement period or signals an eventual willingness to marry one another. It's not wrong to feel that way - but talk about it if you do! Otherwise as the months of living together grow but the ring and the marriage comments don't come - you won't be disappointed and become angry over something the other partner isn't even aware you thought. (Assumptions are bad, mmmkay?, For the record - I don't look at it as a prelude to anything.)
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How do you both feel about house parties? This one sounds silly, but it isn't. Do you have friends over several times a week just to have them over? If you keep doing this will it drive your live-in crazy? Think about it, talk about it. Another example: Does he like to have football viewing parties? Would you be invited to these or would he prefer you not be home?
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WHERE is best for you? Do you want to move in to one of the places you already have? OR an entirely new place? We knew for us a new place was best. This can be more important than you think! For us it will help us establish new rules for the pets (here the cats have a bit more freedom than they will there) as well as give us the space we need for our disparate interests (his saltwater tanks and my painting). We also both need full home offices. That = more space than either of our places had.
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Try to talk about your hot-button issues BEFORE you move in. If you know them, or even suspect them, then talk about it! Note that the pets were our #1 conversation. They are a hot button for me, and for him. So we talked about it immediately. We also plan to talk about the
cleaning and chores when we move in - that way the
#2 (money is often #1 and we've already had discussions and signed an agreement about that)
reason for major issues when you live with someone - is handled early. We're both pretty much neat and clean freaks - but keeping 4 floors of townhome clean with 4 pets in it is going to be tough.
Finally -
be aware that you shouldn't lose all your other interests, ways of spending your time, friends, etc. just because you move in. Keep up with all of your solo interests - remember that when this person fell for the you that you had other things going on. Those things are what keep you interesting to one another, keep you balanced, and help you always have things to talk about even though you see each other constantly.
That's just my $2.00 or so. Here's to it going well this time around, right? :)
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